EQ: Self-awareness
Emotional Intelligence (or EQ) has four key elements:
- self-awareness
- self-regulation (management of your own responses and reactions)
- social awareness (understanding what others might be feeling); and
- social skill (managing relationships and effective interactions with others).
Of these, self-awareness is the critical baseline and we all think we have it in spades!
In reality, however, good self-awareness can be lacking and we can all sometimes do a poor job of managing our emotional reactions to events. Knowing how we are wired can help us to put our own and others’ behaviour into perspective and therefore assist us in our own responses and in our interactions with others.
Developing and maintaining good self-awareness is an area requiring constant effort, but understanding what drives human behaviour at a ‘primitive’ level and establishing a few practices can help us to do this.
What drives human behaviour?
The human brain is wired for two key things:
- Minimising danger (threat) and maximising reward; and
- Human/ social interaction.
Essentially, we are social beings who are constantly alert to anything in the environment that might pose a threat to our survival.
Consequently, we are (unconsciously) keenly aware of any threat that might affect our social position and interactions. In the modern world, rejection from not being invited to a social event or a request from our boss for a meeting “to provide feedback” is enough for our brain to fire off alert signals and for us to feel the physical consequences (fight or flight) of a perceived threat. We might feel defensive, isolated or hurt.
Interestingly, research has shown that physical pain and social pain register in the same area of the brain and the brain cannot tell the difference, so we will “hurt” whether we are physically injured or socially threatened. In addition, pain (physical or social) embeds an experience in our memory, which can create long lasting effects on trust, behaviour and our future responses to events.
Establishing better self-awareness
If we are feeling a threat, then the subsequent physical reaction affects our emotions and, if left unchecked, our rational thinking. Self-awareness can help us to short-circuit our reaction to threat and therefore behave more adaptively.
- Assess what your body is doing
The first trigger is our unconscious physical reaction to threat. One of the key things to learn is to be aware of what your body is doing. Has your heart rate increased or are you feeling uncomfortable? What is your gut telling you? Your sub-conscious brain and your body will pick up information (including incongruence in what people are saying and doing) long before your conscious brain is aware.
Breathe out. We tend to hold our breath when under threat but this just depletes oxygen to the brain affecting our ability to think calmly and rationally. Breathe out and check in with your body.
Cultivate a habit of pausing before responding, assessing how your body is reacting and considering what it might be telling you. If this is new to you, start by ‘checking in’ with your body at several times during the day – how is your heart rate, your muscle tension, your energy levels, your gut?
- Identify what you are feeling
Research has shown that just naming your feelings can be enough to short-circuit an emotional response. It’s much easier to identify an emotion once you know what your body is doing. Stating “I feel very angry right now” or “I am very disappointed” can be enough to stop the emotional centre of the brain from taking over.
If you are with someone else who looks like they might become emotional, then you could do the naming for them: “you look disappointed?”; asking the question and leaving it open for further dialogue.
- Get curious
Some years ago, I worked with another psychologist on a very successful program that she had designed to deal with high emotion. One of the key things I took from this experience was using the words “I wonder…?”. Curiosity enables us to keep an open mind, to retain flexibility of thought and to be open to a different understanding.
Being curious is asking questions to increase understanding, rather than imposing your own values or thoughts on the situation. One of Stephen Covey’s 7 principles is to ‘seek first to understand, then to be understood’. Ask: what is going on here and what might be the trigger? If there is a threat to you, consider what buttons of yours are being pushed: your values, principles, expectations, or your way of doing things? In dealing with others, listen without judgement or response, except acknowledgement.
- Reappraise/ Re-frame (Change your Mind)
Human beings have amazing flexibility and control over what they think – we either choose not to exercise this ability or we get lazy and sink into habits of thinking which do not help us. We also tend to think more negative than positive thoughts (a relic of our alertness to threat) which impacts on our responses to events and on our behaviour.
The first step in exercising our ability to re-frame is to be aware of what you are currently thinking. Too often we will pass judgement or make a comment without knowing what’s about to come out! Extroverted thinkers will tend to do this more, as they process their thoughts through talking. This can still occur, just start a few seconds later! The key task here is to pause, assess your thoughts and consider alternative ways of looking at the situation.
These practices are the baseline to strong self-awareness and ability to self-regulate, both of which are key elements of emotional intelligence. At the least, cultivate a habit of pausing first and breathing out. This in itself provides a space for your brain to re-group. Add a couple of the other practices and you will have a much better platform on which to consider adaptive and effective responses to a range of situations.
