Better understand others around you (EQ3)
EQ: Social Awareness
Two previous articles on Emotional Intelligence (EQ) outlined some ways to (1) help build self-awareness and (2) manage your own responses and reactions. This article looks at the third element of EQ which is Social Awareness.
Social awareness is the ability to sense and understand the emotions, needs and concerns of others, to read organisational life and build networks, and to recognise and meet customer needs.
Why is this important?…
… Because humans are social creatures.
From our time as infants and children, through to adulthood and old age, the relationships that we have with the people around us are critical for our physical, emotional and mental well-being.
Better understanding others around you and how they are responding to you and to different events, allows us to positively influence behaviour (our own and others) and situations in order to make the most of them.
We tend to see the world through our own lens and our own experiences. In particular, everyone’s wiring is completely different – as such, we are never completely ‘on the same page’ as anyone else. When we respond to others’ behaviour or words from our own lens, this can lead to misunderstandings, escalation of reactions and generally just getting off track. Instead, we need to be mindful of trying to see things from the other’s perspective rather than from our own. This is called empathy.
Empathy develops from early interactions during our childhood – the experiences we have, learning from the adults around us (both poor and good skills), and learning from our own behaviour and its impact on others. People with a high level of skill in this area have spent many years working on it – observing, reflecting, honing skills. This self-reflection is a key input, along with being curious about (questioning and seeking answers on) how accurate you are about your assessment of a situation and your impact on others.
So, what are some ways you could increase your levels of empathy and understanding of others around you?
- Start with your own self-awareness – this involves observing your inner world (thoughts, emotions, bodily indicators e.g. heart rate or levels of anxiety) as well as observing your outer reactions (behaviours)
- Being curious about how others might have observed your behaviour
- Reflecting on what you think was the impact of your behaviour on those around you – observing another’s reactions and what they said or actions they subsequently took
- Being curious about how what you said or did may have impacted others
- Seeking information from others to test your hypotheses
- Linking external feedback to what your intentions were or what you thought you had said/ done – identifying any discrepancy and why this might have been seen differently as intended
While it is critical to be able to self-observe and reflect, the most important step in this process is to test your hypotheses about your impact on others for accuracy.
It is not helpful or useful to say: “John gets angry when we/I talk about X”, because you are making an assumption about John and how he is feeling through your own lens of the world. Even if you are correct, then one possible outcome is that your assertion could be perceived as judgemental or controlling. If you are incorrect, then this reinforces that you actually have no idea about how the person is feeling. Either way, this tends to alienate others.
Secondly, without testing your hypotheses, you could then be acting on assumptions that are nowhere near accurate. No wonder some interactions go awry!
Instead, try seeking information in a curious way, for example:
- “John, how do you feel when we talk about X?” or
- “John, I get the impression you don’t like talking about X – is that right?” or
- “Could you give me some feedback about what you observed me doing and how I did it?”
In the fourth and final article on EQ, I’ll discuss Social Competency – or actions that you could take to effectively manage relationships and conflict.
