Positively influencing others (EQ4)

 EQ: Social Competency

Three previous articles outlined some ways to (1) help build self-awareness, (2) manage our own responses and reactions and (3) identify emotions in others.  This article looks at the fourth and final element of EQ, which is Social Competency.

Social competency is using your social awareness to develop and maintain good relationships, to interact effectively with others in both work and social situations, and manage conflict when it arises.

As a junior Psychologist learning my profession, one thing really stuck with me from my early supervision: relationships underlie everything. It’s great to learn content knowledge and to learn the skills for its application, but we don’t really achieve anything sustainable without good relationships.  While I have fallen into many holes myself in interactions with others, I always try to take the mantra (with ‘normal’ people and ‘normal’ interactions – and this is a very broad group!) to “preserve the relationship”.

This isn’t about bowing down and having others trod on you or doing as they wish.  It’s a collaborative approach to an interaction where both participants are positively (or, at worst, neutrally) affected.

Before an interaction, set yourself an intention about the desired outcome.  This can be done consciously and simply before many interactions, whether they are scheduled meetings or short conversations.  State your intention clearly and explicitly to yourself: “I’d like Jo and I to agree on what outcome we want and who will take what actions; with us both feeling positive about the discussion and optimistic about our chances of success.”  This will help to prime your brain to come up with the ‘right’ words and behaviour which, along with the two steps outlined below, will help you to get there.

We can most positively influence an interaction and an outcome in the moment.  To do this well requires being both in the interaction (with empathy, connection and listening) as well as slightly outside of the interaction (being an observer of self, of the other and of the interaction itself).

Being in the interaction requires attention and active listening.

Being outside of the interaction requires conscious awareness of self and other as an observer of words and behaviour, without judgement.

Self-awareness, the first element we covered under this EQ series, remains the vitally important base.  This isn’t about skimming over your own behaviour and then justifying it – it’s more about stepping back a little and looking at what you said or did and what the others around you did next.  This will give great information about your impact (vs your intent).  Getting feedback from others about how they perceived your behaviour is very useful here.  A key thing to remember is that feedback from our own observations or from others is just one source of information; it’s not a judgement unless we choose to take it as such.

With this information, you are then in a great position to consciously change your approach in the situation:  your thoughts, your words, your tone, your behaviour.

The second action is to ask a question … or three.  Stephen Covey wrote about “seeking first to understand, then be understood”.  Take the time to truly understand the other person’s perspective, their thoughts on a topic, their concerns and their intentions. There will invariably be something in there that you didn’t know before and that could potentially change your perspective of the situation and lead to a more positive outcome.

As simple as that sounds, working with those two elements while keeping your intent in mind will do much to come to an outcome that better suits those involved.  So:

  1. Be clear about your intent for the interaction or the outcome you would like; and be open to being flexible!
  2. Consciously intend to preserve the relationship
  3. Then work with the basics to move towards an outcome that you are both happy with…:

a. Be an observer of yourself in the interaction and

b. Seek to understand the other.

 

So that’s all good if we can remember to do that in the moment.  What about those times when we are not so effective in the moment?  Sometimes when things go pear-shaped or we are emotionally invested, we lose our balanced perspective and say or do things we wish we hadn’t.

If we have attempted to be an observer of self, the other and the interaction, then we will have some valid information on which to reflect.  Neuroscience tells us that reflection helps us to develop insights and to create new connections.  Even if our observation of self was not so good, after the event we can still reflect on:

  • What we said and did and what happened next
  • How our words and behaviour might have influenced the other and the outcome
  • The disparity between our intent for the interaction and the outcome
  • What we might have done differently and how we can remind yourself to try this out next time

Taking the approach of being an “observer of self” is powerful.  It gives us much information (not judgement) about our impact on situations and on others around us.  It subsequently provides us with a wonderful opportunity to learn from our experience, to change the way we do things and to increase the positive impact that we have.

 

Better understand others around you (EQ3)

EQ:  Social Awareness

Two previous articles on Emotional Intelligence (EQ) outlined some ways to (1) help build self-awareness and (2) manage your own responses and reactions.  This article looks at the third element of EQ which is Social Awareness.

Social awareness is the ability to sense and understand the emotions, needs and concerns of others, to read organisational life and build networks, and to recognise and meet customer needs.

Why is this important?…

… Because humans are social creatures.

From our time as infants and children, through to adulthood and old age, the relationships that we have with the people around us are critical for our physical, emotional and mental well-being.

Better understanding others around you and how they are responding to you and to different events, allows us to positively influence behaviour (our own and others) and situations in order to make the most of them.

We tend to see the world through our own lens and our own experiences.  In particular, everyone’s wiring is completely different – as such, we are never completely ‘on the same page’ as anyone else.  When we respond to others’ behaviour or words from our own lens, this can lead to misunderstandings, escalation of reactions and generally just getting off track.  Instead, we need to be mindful of trying to see things from the other’s perspective rather than from our own.  This is called empathy.

Empathy develops from early interactions during our childhood – the experiences we have, learning from the adults around us (both poor and good skills), and learning from our own behaviour and its impact on others.  People with a high level of skill in this area have spent many years working on it – observing, reflecting, honing skills.  This self-reflection is a key input, along with being curious about (questioning and seeking answers on) how accurate you are about your assessment of a situation and your impact on others.

So, what are some ways you could increase your levels of empathy and understanding of others around you?

  • Start with your own self-awareness – this involves observing your inner world (thoughts, emotions, bodily indicators e.g. heart rate or levels of anxiety) as well as observing your outer reactions (behaviours)
  • Being curious about how others might have observed your behaviour
  • Reflecting on what you think was the impact of your behaviour on those around you – observing another’s reactions and what they said or actions they subsequently took
  • Being curious about how what you said or did may have impacted others
  • Seeking information from others to test your hypotheses
  • Linking external feedback to what your intentions were or what you thought you had said/ done – identifying any discrepancy and why this might have been seen differently as intended

While it is critical to be able to self-observe and reflect, the most important step in this process is to test your hypotheses about your impact on others for accuracy.

It is not helpful or useful to say:  “John gets angry when we/I talk about X”, because you are making an assumption about John and how he is feeling through your own lens of the world.  Even if you are correct, then one possible outcome is that your assertion could be perceived as judgemental or controlling.  If you are incorrect, then this reinforces that you actually have no idea about how the person is feeling.  Either way, this tends to alienate others.

Secondly, without testing your hypotheses, you could then be acting on assumptions that are nowhere near accurate.  No wonder some interactions go awry!

Instead, try seeking information in a curious way, for example:

  • “John, how do you feel when we talk about X?” or
  • “John, I get the impression you don’t like talking about X – is that right?” or
  • “Could you give me some feedback about what you observed me doing and how I did it?”

 

In the fourth and final article on EQ, I’ll discuss Social Competency – or actions that you could take to effectively manage relationships and conflict.

 

 

Taking control of your own emotions (EQ2)

EQ:  Self-Regulation

Emotional Intelligence (or EQ) has four key elements:  self-awareness; self-regulation (management of your own responses and reactions); social awareness (understanding what others might be feeling) and social skill (managing relationships and effective interactions with others).  A previous article outlined some ways to help build self-awareness – a skill we all think we have but that can be lacking in reality.

This article looks at the second of these four elements:  ways to self-regulate.

Self-regulation in the ordinary course of daily life – when we generally feel OK, well-rested and fed – is usually not so hard.  However, when our reserves are low or when we are faced with challenging or emotional situations, then our self-regulation can be less than optimal.  Why is this the case?

Self-control is a limited resource

We use our pre frontal cortex (the part of our brain that sits behind our forehead) for our rational thinking work: it weighs up options, considers the best course of action and then decides and plans a way forward.  This work uses an enormous amount of energy and does so just in the course of everyday activities.

This same area of the brain needs to be activated in order to ‘short-circuit’ or to mitigate the effects of emotional responses.  It is responsible for inhibition of behaviour.

When our pre-frontal cortex is under stress then this has a direct impact on our level of self-control and self-regulation.  Under high levels of stress or fatigue, we can get to the point where we ‘blow up’ or we don’t realise that we have reacted emotionally until we are in the middle of the response – or sometimes even after our emotional outburst has finished! 

We are even more depleted of our self-control when we’ve been in meetings all morning requiring our attention, or we’ve had to make some big decisions, or we have already faced emotional situations (home or work, our own or others).  In addition, if we feel tired or hungry or haven’t had enough fluid to drink, this all impacts our ability to self-regulate.

Getting the basics in place

Ideally, you would ensure that all the ‘basics’ are in place before dealing with a robust meeting or an emotional or challenging situation.  This includes:  eating (ensuring your brain has enough glucose) and drinking (being well-hydrated), along with a good sleep the night before.

If there is a scheduled meeting that you think might be emotional or challenging (for you or the other person/s), then ensure this occurs at a time when people are fresh and focused – e.g. not after a morning of other meetings and before lunch when you are likely to be tired and hungry.

If you are not able to influence when a challenging meeting or activity is scheduled, ensure there is a break before it starts.  This will allow some time out for your pre-frontal cortex to rejuvenate, plus provide an opportunity for physical replenishment (food and water).  Even a five minute break to get a cup of tea can make a difference.

Getting hijacked by emotion

An emotional reaction to an event can create ‘brain freeze’ (you can’t think, mind goes blank, lose attention, poor memory, make mistakes, can’t make decisions).  At the more extreme end, when we are unable to self-regulate our emotional brain can hijack our ability to make any rational response and lead to an over-reaction (anger, tears, or other emotion outside of what ‘rationally’ might be expected given the situation).  Once hijacking occurs, we are limited in our ability to reign ourselves back in until it is over!  The key is to self-manage before then.

Some strategies that we can use to self-regulate and provide a more rational response include:

  • Breathe out:  When we get stressed we tend to hold our breath.  Breathing out gets rid of this tension and prompts you to take in more air, which replenishes the pre-frontal cortex with oxygen and allows a reconnection with your rational brain.
  • Label the emotion (e.g. “I feel anxious”):  Just naming our emotional response can help reduce the intensity of that response.  Naming allows you to be an ‘observer’ of yourself and your reaction and creates a little bit of distance from the emotion.
  • Reappraisal (take another perspective):  Once you’ve taken a big breath and identified how you are feeling, take another view of the situation – e.g. “I wouldn’t normally get angry at this situation, so it might be because things haven’t gone so smoothly this morning”.  This takes awareness.
  • Priming (priming your brain for the outcome you would like):  You can do this either prior to a particularly challenging situation (which requires thinking ahead) or during the situation (which takes awareness) – “When we both walk out of this meeting, I’d like us to be on friendly terms and both of us clear on the steps needed to move forward”.
  • Curiosity (vs judgement) which allows space for the brain to come up with alternatives to move forward:  “I wonder where this anxiety comes from and what I can do about it?” vs “I am always so hopelessly anxious leading up to a presentation”.
  • Mindfulness (time out, being present and observant):  Take a break for a few minutes and give your brain some space (walk around the block, or look out at the trees in the street for a minute or two).  Bring your attention to the current situation and your awareness of self – as noted above, this provides a degree of space and distance from the emotion.

None of these are difficult strategies.  The key is to remember to enact them!  Choose just one or two strategies that you intend to be more mindful of and that you will focus on implementing on a daily basis, then set up a trigger or reminder to do it.  A post-it note on your computer screen to be curious, or a timer on the hour that reminds you to breathe out consciously.  It will quickly become second nature.

Frequent practice of self-regulation techniques will embed stronger neural pathways in your brain, so that more adaptive responses happen automatically in future, including a decrease in your emotional reaction when things do escalate.  You will be calmer, more self-aware and more adept at dealing with your own emotional reactions regardless of the situation.

Dealing with “difficult” colleagues

Dealing with “difficult” colleagues

 

We have all come across “difficult” colleagues in the workplace, whether they anger quickly, are abrasive, have limited communication skills, or just lack self-awareness.  Their behaviour is within the realm of acceptability but our interactions with them may be less than ideal.  But it’s them, isn’t it, not us?  If they had more self-awareness or were less abrasive, then they would get on much better with everyone!  What often reinforces this is that other people may hold a similar perception of that individual….  and it might be true!

 

However, relationships and interactions involve two people.  You may not have any say in how the other person behaves, but you do have control of your own reaction to them, so what is it that you can change about your part in this relationship:  the words you use, the tone with which you speak, your actions/ reactions, or your thoughts about the other person?  Here are some ideas:

 

  1. Don’t play the game.

 

A book by Eric Berne (1973) called “Games People Play” described relationships as a ‘dance’ – i.e. I treat you like ‘x’, you respond as ‘y’ – and that this ‘dance’ or game is reasonably consistent over time.  This happens in all of our relationships, whether they are at work, socially or within the family.  We all fall into consistent ways of behaving with each other and this can reinforce that same way of behaving, including condoning inappropriate behaviour.

 

To change the ‘dance’, only one of the dance partners needs to change their step.   The dance has to change as a result.  Think about how you and the other person normally interact.  What are the patterns?  If a colleague is abrasive to me, do I ignore it or react?  If they are quiet or seem unwilling to provide information, what is my usual reaction?  What would happen if I changed my normal response to that person?  Try a new constructive behaviour (more than once!) and see what happens.

 

  1. Change your mind.

 

In psychology, this is called re-framing.  How can you look at the behaviour in another way so that you see the positives?  Instead of focusing on the traits that irritate you, what traits do they have which are positive and contribute well to the team and the work that needs to be done?

 

What is the positive outcome of having this “difficult” person in the team or the organisation?  Is this person “difficult” because they are challenging the status quo or rocking the boat?  If so, how might this be useful?  What energy or drive might they bring to the team? How can you harness this?

 

Sometimes being ‘branded’ “difficult” is enough to generate that behaviour in another.  We usually rise to other’s expectations of us.  We also tend to look for confirming evidence of our own beliefs (ie. evidence for why they are “difficult”) so that it doesn’t create incongruence in ourselves.  Change the branding you have applied to that person or at least keep an open mind that another more positive side of them is in there waiting to come out.

 

  1. Look at it from their perspective.

 

There may be many reasons why another person behaves ‘poorly’ at work – an argument with their spouse or ongoing relationship concerns, financial problems, issues with children, illness, even a headache.  In addition, we don’t know others’ ‘stories’ – their history, experiences that have shaped them, etc – so it becomes a moot point to pass judgement (even if done unconsciously), which then affects how we respond to them.

 

Instead, show empathy; try to understand the situation from their perspective.  What are their intentions?  Do they need more time to think about an issue before contributing?  What is the trigger for their behaviour?  What payoff or fulfilment of needs, if any, might come from their behaviour?  Take the perspective that the other person is a decent human being, like you, doing what they can to do a good job.

 

 

These steps may sound simplistic;  and they are!  A key message to remember is that another person’s “difficulty” is not your issue – it’s theirs.  Ensure ownership of the issue remains where it belongs.  First pause, then breathe out;  this will help your rational mind to consider an appropriate next step.

 

Our own self-awareness is a critical baseline in acting with good emotional intelligence, whatever the relationship, and these practices in our interactions with others are a good start.

 

Note:  As a disclaimer, this article does not address the sociopathic type behaviour of a small minority in the workplace.  This relates to people on the normal spectrum of behaviour

Illustration by Alberto Ruggieri / Getty Images

Four steps to improve your Emotional Intelligence (EQ1)

Emotional Intelligence (or EQ) has four key elements: self-awareness; self-regulation (management of your own responses and reactions); social awareness (understanding what others might be feeling); and social skill (managing relationships and effective…

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