Dealing with “difficult” colleagues

Dealing with “difficult” colleagues

 

We have all come across “difficult” colleagues in the workplace, whether they anger quickly, are abrasive, have limited communication skills, or just lack self-awareness.  Their behaviour is within the realm of acceptability but our interactions with them may be less than ideal.  But it’s them, isn’t it, not us?  If they had more self-awareness or were less abrasive, then they would get on much better with everyone!  What often reinforces this is that other people may hold a similar perception of that individual….  and it might be true!

 

However, relationships and interactions involve two people.  You may not have any say in how the other person behaves, but you do have control of your own reaction to them, so what is it that you can change about your part in this relationship:  the words you use, the tone with which you speak, your actions/ reactions, or your thoughts about the other person?  Here are some ideas:

 

1. Don’t play the game.

 

A book by Eric Berne (1973) called “Games People Play” described relationships as a ‘dance’ – i.e. I treat you like ‘x’, you respond as ‘y’ – and that this ‘dance’ or game is reasonably consistent over time.  This happens in all of our relationships, whether they are at work, socially or within the family.  We all fall into consistent ways of behaving with each other and this can reinforce that same way of behaving, including condoning inappropriate behaviour.

 

To change the ‘dance’, only one of the dance partners needs to change their step.   The dance has to change as a result.  Think about how you and the other person normally interact.  What are the patterns?  If a colleague is abrasive to me, do I ignore it or react?  If they are quiet or seem unwilling to provide information, what is my usual reaction?  What would happen if I changed my normal response to that person?  Try a new constructive behaviour (more than once!) and see what happens.

 

2. Change your mind.

 

In psychology, this is called re-framing.  How can you look at the behaviour in another way so that you see the positives?  Instead of focusing on the traits that irritate you, what traits do they have which are positive and contribute well to the team and the work that needs to be done?

 

What is the positive outcome of having this “difficult” person in the team or the organisation?  Is this person “difficult” because they are challenging the status quo or rocking the boat?  If so, how might this be useful?  What energy or drive might they bring to the team? How can you harness this?

 

Sometimes being ‘branded’ “difficult” is enough to generate that behaviour in another.  We usually rise to other’s expectations of us.  We also tend to look for confirming evidence of our own beliefs (ie. evidence for why they are “difficult”) so that it doesn’t create incongruence in ourselves.  Change the branding you have applied to that person or at least keep an open mind that another more positive side of them is in there waiting to come out.

 

3. Look at it from their perspective.

 

There may be many reasons why another person behaves ‘poorly’ at work – an argument with their spouse or ongoing relationship concerns, financial problems, issues with children, illness, even a headache.  In addition, we don’t know others’ ‘stories’ – their history, experiences that have shaped them, etc – so it becomes a moot point to pass judgement (even if done unconsciously), which then affects how we respond to them.

 

Instead, show empathy; try to understand the situation from their perspective.  What are their intentions?  Do they need more time to think about an issue before contributing?  What is the trigger for their behaviour?  What payoff or fulfilment of needs, if any, might come from their behaviour?  Take the perspective that the other person is a decent human being, like you, doing what they can to do a good job.

 

 

These steps may sound simplistic;  and they are!  A key message to remember is that another person’s “difficulty” is not your issue – it’s theirs.  Ensure ownership of the issue remains where it belongs.  First pause, then breathe out;  this will help your rational mind to consider an appropriate next step.

 

Our own self-awareness is a critical baseline in acting with good emotional intelligence, whatever the relationship, and these practices in our interactions with others are a good start.

 

Note:  As a disclaimer, this article does not address the sociopathic type behaviour of a small minority in the workplace.  This relates to people on the normal spectrum of behaviour