Taking control of your own emotions (EQ2)
EQ: Self-Regulation
Emotional Intelligence (or EQ) has four key elements: self-awareness; self-regulation (management of your own responses and reactions); social awareness (understanding what others might be feeling) and social skill (managing relationships and effective interactions with others). A previous article outlined some ways to help build self-awareness – a skill we all think we have but that can be lacking in reality.
This article looks at the second of these four elements: ways to self-regulate.
Self-regulation in the ordinary course of daily life – when we generally feel OK, well-rested and fed – is usually not so hard. However, when our reserves are low or when we are faced with challenging or emotional situations, then our self-regulation can be less than optimal. Why is this the case?
Self-control is a limited resource
We use our pre frontal cortex (the part of our brain that sits behind our forehead) for our rational thinking work: it weighs up options, considers the best course of action and then decides and plans a way forward. This work uses an enormous amount of energy and does so just in the course of everyday activities.
This same area of the brain needs to be activated in order to ‘short-circuit’ or to mitigate the effects of emotional responses. It is responsible for inhibition of behaviour.
When our pre-frontal cortex is under stress then this has a direct impact on our level of self-control and self-regulation. Under high levels of stress or fatigue, we can get to the point where we ‘blow up’ or we don’t realise that we have reacted emotionally until we are in the middle of the response – or sometimes even after our emotional outburst has finished!
We are even more depleted of our self-control when we’ve been in meetings all morning requiring our attention, or we’ve had to make some big decisions, or we have already faced emotional situations (home or work, our own or others). In addition, if we feel tired or hungry or haven’t had enough fluid to drink, this all impacts our ability to self-regulate.
Getting the basics in place
Ideally, you would ensure that all the ‘basics’ are in place before dealing with a robust meeting or an emotional or challenging situation. This includes: eating (ensuring your brain has enough glucose) and drinking (being well-hydrated), along with a good sleep the night before.
If there is a scheduled meeting that you think might be emotional or challenging (for you or the other person/s), then ensure this occurs at a time when people are fresh and focused – e.g. not after a morning of other meetings and before lunch when you are likely to be tired and hungry.
If you are not able to influence when a challenging meeting or activity is scheduled, ensure there is a break before it starts. This will allow some time out for your pre-frontal cortex to rejuvenate, plus provide an opportunity for physical replenishment (food and water). Even a five minute break to get a cup of tea can make a difference.
Getting hijacked by emotion
An emotional reaction to an event can create ‘brain freeze’ (you can’t think, mind goes blank, lose attention, poor memory, make mistakes, can’t make decisions). At the more extreme end, when we are unable to self-regulate our emotional brain can hijack our ability to make any rational response and lead to an over-reaction (anger, tears, or other emotion outside of what ‘rationally’ might be expected given the situation). Once hijacking occurs, we are limited in our ability to reign ourselves back in until it is over! The key is to self-manage before then.
Some strategies that we can use to self-regulate and provide a more rational response include:
- Breathe out: When we get stressed we tend to hold our breath. Breathing out gets rid of this tension and prompts you to take in more air, which replenishes the pre-frontal cortex with oxygen and allows a reconnection with your rational brain.
- Label the emotion (e.g. “I feel anxious”): Just naming our emotional response can help reduce the intensity of that response. Naming allows you to be an ‘observer’ of yourself and your reaction and creates a little bit of distance from the emotion.
- Reappraisal (take another perspective): Once you’ve taken a big breath and identified how you are feeling, take another view of the situation – e.g. “I wouldn’t normally get angry at this situation, so it might be because things haven’t gone so smoothly this morning”. This takes awareness.
- Priming (priming your brain for the outcome you would like): You can do this either prior to a particularly challenging situation (which requires thinking ahead) or during the situation (which takes awareness) – “When we both walk out of this meeting, I’d like us to be on friendly terms and both of us clear on the steps needed to move forward”.
- Curiosity (vs judgement) which allows space for the brain to come up with alternatives to move forward: “I wonder where this anxiety comes from and what I can do about it?” vs “I am always so hopelessly anxious leading up to a presentation”.
- Mindfulness (time out, being present and observant): Take a break for a few minutes and give your brain some space (walk around the block, or look out at the trees in the street for a minute or two). Bring your attention to the current situation and your awareness of self – as noted above, this provides a degree of space and distance from the emotion.
None of these are difficult strategies. The key is to remember to enact them! Choose just one or two strategies that you intend to be more mindful of and that you will focus on implementing on a daily basis, then set up a trigger or reminder to do it. A post-it note on your computer screen to be curious, or a timer on the hour that reminds you to breathe out consciously. It will quickly become second nature.
Frequent practice of self-regulation techniques will embed stronger neural pathways in your brain, so that more adaptive responses happen automatically in future, including a decrease in your emotional reaction when things do escalate. You will be calmer, more self-aware and more adept at dealing with your own emotional reactions regardless of the situation.
